It's been three days since my news. I had two blissful days of believing this wasn't so bad, and it could be a lot worse. My altruistic self was determined to make the most of it, throwing all my drive into painting, writing, sitting on my butt all day.
Then, Sunday arrived.
To say I had a breakdown would be an understatement to the extreme. My Sunday involved sobbing into my pillow as my best friend/room mate hugged me, and I choked on my hair with deep, wet breaths.
There's a reason I'm not telling anyone I'm writing this blog. I don't want my friends to read it. I don't really want anyone to read it. And here's why: this is a benign tumor that requires surgery and will take my summer with it, but it's benign. So many other people in the world are suffering through loss of loved ones, having debilitating illnesses such as MS or ALS, or getting news that such tumors are not benign. I, however, am fortunate. And, I know that. But, I don't feel it.
I'm a nurse. I see everyday how bad life can get. I see everyday people fighting through unimaginable situations with unparalleled courage. I have held them as they've cried, receiving the worst news of their lives. I've called family members telling them their loved ones have taken a turn for the worse.
None of this compares to what I'm going through, yet it has knocked me on my ass. My worst case scenario is a total hip replacement, not death or permanent disability.
I feel ashamed of acting the way I have. I feel ashamed of not being able to buck up and get on with life. And I feel ashamed of the way this has changed the way I love people.
Yesterday, I couldn't imagine how to deal with this. How to deal with being inside all day or missing out on my sports, my mountains. I'm stuck in my own personal hell of remaining sedentary, not being able to get my heart rate up.
But today, I realized something. What I love most about this life is people not being active. I love getting to know someone's quirky traits, their weird hobbies and talents, what makes them laugh. I love seeing what surprises, scares, and arouses passion.
This is not something I have lost.
Today as I sit in the coffee shop, I see a couple. They're working on stuff....sort of. I tend to think it's a first date (maybe second or third). I see a pair of guys drinking frappes and talking animately about who knows what. I see a mom and her extremely adorable toddler switching from table to chairs and back to table again. And there's a man in a suit typing frantically on his laptop, the image of focused.
All these people are unique and weird and beautiful creatures, and I still get to know them hip or no hip.
Then, Sunday arrived.
To say I had a breakdown would be an understatement to the extreme. My Sunday involved sobbing into my pillow as my best friend/room mate hugged me, and I choked on my hair with deep, wet breaths.
There's a reason I'm not telling anyone I'm writing this blog. I don't want my friends to read it. I don't really want anyone to read it. And here's why: this is a benign tumor that requires surgery and will take my summer with it, but it's benign. So many other people in the world are suffering through loss of loved ones, having debilitating illnesses such as MS or ALS, or getting news that such tumors are not benign. I, however, am fortunate. And, I know that. But, I don't feel it.
I'm a nurse. I see everyday how bad life can get. I see everyday people fighting through unimaginable situations with unparalleled courage. I have held them as they've cried, receiving the worst news of their lives. I've called family members telling them their loved ones have taken a turn for the worse.
None of this compares to what I'm going through, yet it has knocked me on my ass. My worst case scenario is a total hip replacement, not death or permanent disability.
I feel ashamed of acting the way I have. I feel ashamed of not being able to buck up and get on with life. And I feel ashamed of the way this has changed the way I love people.
Yesterday, I couldn't imagine how to deal with this. How to deal with being inside all day or missing out on my sports, my mountains. I'm stuck in my own personal hell of remaining sedentary, not being able to get my heart rate up.
But today, I realized something. What I love most about this life is people not being active. I love getting to know someone's quirky traits, their weird hobbies and talents, what makes them laugh. I love seeing what surprises, scares, and arouses passion.
This is not something I have lost.
Today as I sit in the coffee shop, I see a couple. They're working on stuff....sort of. I tend to think it's a first date (maybe second or third). I see a pair of guys drinking frappes and talking animately about who knows what. I see a mom and her extremely adorable toddler switching from table to chairs and back to table again. And there's a man in a suit typing frantically on his laptop, the image of focused.
All these people are unique and weird and beautiful creatures, and I still get to know them hip or no hip.